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To Feel Again

– A post from quite some time ago that was just discovered in the draft box… –

“We wouldn’t choose the story that God tells in our lives, but God knows better. He weaves the dark shadows into our stories so that the light of His grace and mercy shines brighter.” – Pastor Toby Sumpter

It would seem that I can think best when I have to write something out and even if the end result doesn’t really seem to make sense (most of the time), it still helps me figure things out.

This is going to be about many threads of a story, but the main reason this has been going through my head is because of a great talk with an older brother and one, little, five letter word: “Trust”.

Years ago, I experienced what it was like to trust someone and have that trust broken, again and again and again. I learned how much I can hurt, so I built a wall. I would do my best to never let what I was feeling show. I didn’t want people to know and it would appear that I was rather successful. I seem to have convinced myself that if I don’t feel, I can’t hurt like that again. But you can’t live through life without feeling. Believe me, I’ve tried. Convincing yourself that it doesn’t matter, that you don’t care? That’s totally not true and, most likely, it’s affecting you. a. lot.

In the past year, those unhealthy walls that I built have been coming down. Slowly, painfully, one piece at a time, God is pulling those barriers down and healing. I couldn’t tell you exactly when it started, but I think it was probably about the time I began to stop looking at the pain and started looking to God to help me through it. To give me the strength I needed, because there is no way I could/can do it by myself. Probably about the time I really started to learn to be thankful.

To feel again. It’s strange to have to *learn* how to feel. It’s frightening. It’s hard. Once you have felt that pain, you don’t want to feel it again, but you miss out on so much if you don’t learn to feel again. Yes, it will hurt, but the blessings will outweigh the pain.

Perhaps someday, I will learn to know what I am feeling and how to put that into words to explain to someone else. But I think I will first have to learn how to identify what exactly I am feeling to myself… Most of the time I don’t even realize that something is affecting me (or at least not how much), or if I do, I don’t know *what* it is. The times when I know that something is affecting me and what it is, I generally don’t know how to explain my reaction, my feelings… Not even to myself. My feelings aren’t logical. I can’t always sort them out. Maybe part of the explaining is to not be ashamed of what you are feeling or why. To not feel silly when you talk about it. I think I generally express my feelings in non-verbal ways rather than trying to put it all into words that are confusing even to myself.

You might be wondering what any of this has to do with the word “trust”. To be honest, I think that’s the next bit that God is working on teaching me. Trust is a scary thing when you really think about it. That little word mean so much. It can be defined as the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. God has been teaching me to trust Him. Now He’s taking that wall down and teaching me to trust the people that he has put into my life again. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, I know how much it can hurt. Yes, it is worth it, because it hurts more to not. I wasn’t built to hold it all in. I wasn’t built to hide. I wasn’t built to be that strong.

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Categories: Life, Writing Tags: , , ,
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  1. June 27, 2013 at 7:20 am

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