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A Scramble Of Thoughts

A lot has been going through this head of mine lately. Sometimes it’s a confusing web of thoughts that are all tangled up together, other times a clear thought will stand out. I’ll try not to take you into the web as I haven’t figured that out yet.

What I have discovered is that one of the most difficult things for me to do is to trust. If I had to try to explain why, it would be something along the lines of having trusted and having that trust broken years ago. Knowing how much I can hurt makes it harder to be vulnerable again. However, I can’t live life not feeling, not trusting. I have to trust God.

“You become more like what you believe.” Hang on just a moment and I hope that will clearly tie into what I’m about to say. As I was thinking about trust and how hard and (yes) scary it is, I began to wonder if when I don’t trust, it’s because I don’t really believe that God is trustworthy. And that, my friends, is both ridiculous and wrong. God has proven over and over that he is worthy of my trust. So, why do I hesitate? What makes it so hard? Why do I fear to trust? God is faithful. God is good. He wants us to trust. He won’t give us more than we can handle with His strength. God is bigger. God is great. He won’t leave you alone. So, since God is trustworthy, then so should I be. I should also know and be able to trust Him. And you know what? I think I have finally gotten to where I can say that I do. God has said He is trustworthy. Far be it from me to believe that what He says is a lie. That is just plain wrong.

For now, I think the wall that I put up has been coming down. Slowly, piece by piece, God has been teaching me to trust again. No, this isn’t a sudden thing. It has been a healing process over the past year or so. I think I just lately realized it though. It’s not easy. It’s something that is rather frightening. I think, that the hardest part for me right now is actually admitting that I do trust. Admitting that I can be hurt like that again. But you know what? It’s ok, because I don’t have to carry that load. I’ve got my God and He’s bigger than any of my troubles, worries, doubts, or hurts.

I must say, I have been blessed by friends, family, and situations that have caused me to think and evaluate myself and my desires quite a bit lately. And I dare say those quiet mornings watching the sunrise and the still evenings/nights watching the sunset or the stars silently join each other to form a multitude have been very conducive to thought and prayer. Those times are both peaceful and restful. It’s actually kind of nice to realize that I am so small, but I have a great God. To know I don’t have to worry. To learn to trust again.

 “And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.” – Psalm 9:10

“I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.” – Psalm 91:2

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